Pentagon Pleasantly Surprised To Discover ISIS Leader Killed During Indiscriminate Bombing Of Middle East

WASHINGTON—In a development they described as a “fortuitous coincidence,” top Pentagon officials confirmed Thursday they were pleasantly surprised to discover ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi was killed during their indiscriminate bombing of the Middle East. “In the early hours of the morning, American forces stumbled onto the ISIS leader’s body and concluded he had been taken out at some point during our routine scattershot bombing of the region,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, describing the “unexpected treat” of pulling the corpse of the terrorist commander from rubble containing dead civilians from several unrelated U.S. drone strikes. “This victory is the culmination of a years-long campaign in which thousands of shells and munitions have exploded randomly all across the region. Frankly, we didn’t realize it had happened until we heard some radio chatter that he’d been killed. But, still, we’ll take it.” Pentagon officials added that they looked forward to expanding their counterterrorism mission until aimlessly fired U.S. explosives reached every corner of the globe.