As LGBTQ+ rights continue to be eroded across the country, many transgender students have found themselves forbidden from attending their own high school proms. The Onion asked parents to explain why they support banning trans kids from school dances, and this is what they said.
Darci Thomason, Project Manager
“Because they’ll have an unfair competitive advantage at prom’s 100-meter backstroke.”
Clara Dukes, Retired
“Hey, I’m still not past the idea of a teenage girl leaving the house unescorted by her father, uncle, or town elder.”
Lauren Carl, Waitress
“I’m actually not a parent, but that just makes my insistence that trans kids not be allowed at prom even more objective.”
Donna Keller, Contract Compliance Officer
“I held my tongue when they integrated the prom a few years back, but this is going too far.”
Griffin Mazuera, Market Analyst
“We wouldn’t need rules like this if we just allowed students to bully kids who are different until they don’t want to attend prom anyway.”
Helen Clingman, Cashier
“I still haven’t even decided if limousines are male or female.”
Essie Marcelson, Personal Trainer
“We can’t have all these cool, popular trans kids unfairly competing for prom queen against my unlikable daughter.”
Mitt Romney, Senator
“It’s a small way to strip their humanity and create a boogeyman to rally against nationwide while we lower corporate taxes.”
Matt Kraft, Stay-At-Home Dad
“What if they prompose to my kid? What if they prompose to me? It would be mean to say no, right? I don’t want to put myself in that position.”
Brooke Padgett, Eye Doctor
“It’s nothing against trans kids—I just enjoy making teenagers cry.”
Chet Berns, High School Principal
“If we let these kids say they’re a different gender, then what’s next? Letting a high school principal admit he got married too early and hates everything about himself and his life? It’s ridiculous.”
Sandra Graves, Crossing Guard
“Trans kids will just be a distraction from what prom’s really about—puking up MD 20/20 after losing your virginity in the school parking lot.”
Grant Driscoll, Pharmacist
“It’s in keeping with this year’s prom theme, ‘Night of a Thousand Bigots.’”
Brett Silverstein, Personal Chef
“If they feel welcome at prom, they’ll feel like they’re entitled to have fun the rest of their lives.”
Robert Neal, Marina Owner
“What’s next? Letting Jewish kids attend prom too?”
Lucas Brooks, Software Engineer
“Life is hard enough for these kids without also having to attend prom.”
Ava Mitchell, Plumber
“Prom is strictly about procreation.”
