Parents At Zoo Shield Children’s Eyes From Gorillas Having Public Execution

SAN DIEGO—Gasping as they noticed their son and daughter pointing and screaming at the San Diego Zoo’s primate exhibit, local parents Janet and Chris Stenton reportedly shielded their children’s eyes Friday from a group of gorillas carrying out a public execution. “Oh shoot, honey, don’t let the kids watch—it looks like that silverback over there is all riled up and ready to sentence that other gorilla to death,” said Janet Stenton, who then turned to her children, asked them not to stare, and assured them it was totally normal for an alpha gorilla to scream, beat his chest, and build a makeshift gallows. “Okay, kids. Look at Mommy. Sometimes, when one great ape does something that is very bad, the other apes come together and make him pay for his crimes with the ultimate punishment, which is death. I know it seems gross, but every animal does it. That’s why the blindfolded one that’s being led around the enclosure by a rope looks so scared.” At press time, sources confirmed the Stentons were quickly shuffling their kids away from the exhibit after the gorillas botched the public execution and several spectators were splattered in blood.