Paranoid Syrian Man Thinks Government Out To Get Him

DAMASCUS—Describing an extensive conspiracy that supposedly reaches the highest corridors of power, a paranoid Syrian man told reporters Tuesday he believes the government is out to get him. “I’m telling you, they’re monitoring everything we do, and their goal is to eliminate anyone and everyone who stands in their way,” said wide-eyed conspiracy theorist Naji Hamed Yussif, 32, who peeked out his window blinds while explaining his belief that the government now controls the media and is actively working to shut down the activities of “the opposition.” “We’re talking about powerful individuals who wouldn’t hesitate to send in their thugs, round us all up, and exterminate us like rats. And don’t try to tell me the president’s not in on it—this thing goes all the way to the top.” At press time, Yussif could not be reached for further comment.