Outdated Sex Ed Curriculum Still Teaches How Boyfriend’s Balls Could Explode If You Don’t Give Him Hand Job

GOWRIE, IA—After facing backlash from parents concerned an outdated curriculum was leaving teenagers unprepared for the real world, Castlemount High School administrators confirmed Friday that their sex ed program still taught students that their boyfriend’s balls would explode if they didn’t give him a hand job. “While we appreciate the concerns of parents, we still think it’s valuable for students to know how they can safely prevent their boyfriend’s testicles from bursting as a result of pent-up sexual pressure,” said school principal Elise Stendell, who–though she acknowledged that since the 1960s and ’70s scientific understanding of the importance of jerking off one’s boyfriend had made it clear that a teenage boy’s testicles exploded only in rare circumstances—stressed that it was still up to partners to prevent such a genital-based disaster. “Obviously, some of these vintage PSAs of testicles rupturing and gushing out onto a terrified partner’s face in a torrent of blood might seem a little dated. Ultimately, though, we want every person who passes through these halls to understand that when their wincing boyfriend says, ‘Babe, the pressure is really building up in my nutsack, and I don’t know what might happen if you don’t help me out,’ there could be very real consequences if a tug job isn’t provided immediately.” At press time, the school board had agreed to add a disclaimer stating that as long as one is careful not to disturb the testicles for a few hours after arousal, one can be relatively sure they won’t explode.