Out-Of-Style Woman Still Has Last Season’s Body Issues

NEW YORK—Describing her self-image problems as “totally passé,” sources confirmed Friday that woefully out-of-style woman Denise Agolado, 28, is still beset with last season’s body issues. “Look at her, walking around feeling insecure about her cankles and her lack of a thigh gap—does she have a single body-related anxiety that she didn’t read about in a year-old copy of Marie Claire?” said observer Shelly Palmer, 27, noting that last time she checked it wasn’t two summers ago. “Maybe if she had the slightest sense of taste she’d at least be worrying about her bikini bridge. Not that I’d expect her to hate herself over that.” Despite scoffing at Agolado’s outmoded body issues, sources conceded her orthorexia eating disorder was “very trendy.”