Ohio Law Mandates Rape Victims Send Thank You Notes For Gift Of Parenthood

COLUMBUS, OH—Eliciting both outrage and acclaim from each side of the political aisle, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new law Friday mandating that rape victims send thank you notes to perpetrators for the gift of parenthood. “Parenthood is God’s gift to these women, so it’s only polite that sexual assault victims rush out and write a heartfelt note the moment they discover they’re pregnant,” said state Rep. Jean Schmidt (R), sponsor and author of the new law, who emphasized that victims should mail notes no later than three days after receiving a life-changing positive pregnancy test, lest they risk coming across rude and ungrateful to their rapist. “Face-to-face interaction is preferred, but at the very least a nice greeting card is required. Throwing in a gift basket wouldn’t be overdoing it either. I recommend all Ohio women keep some stationery and postage stamps on hand, just in case, since you never know when you might need them.” At press time, Schmidt added that any pregnant children writing thank you notes should be sure to keep their handwriting neat.