Nonprofit Places Burnouts In Jobs You Can Do Blitzed Out Of Your Mind

SANTA FE, NM—In an effort to provide habitually drug-addled community members with more and better legal opportunities for financial self-support, career placement nonprofit Pass It On has announced a new employment program that aims to place burnouts in jobs they can do while totally blitzed out of their minds. “We’re committed to assisting those who struggle with addiction by helping them find work you could easily do right after getting baked off your ass or crushing a rail of oxy,” said spokesperson Eileen Shreve at a press conference held to introduce the public to the locally focused nongovernmental organization’s careers page, which lists hundreds of jobs requiring no past experience operating heavy machinery or balancing spreadsheets. “By partnering with local businesses, we’ve staffed several hundred burnouts in positions that don’t require meeting production quotas, personal appearance standards, or hard deadlines of any kind. This is more than just a jobs program for us—we’re trying to bring real change to members of society who deserve to make a living while they’re stupendously blazed.” Shreve concluded her remarks with an anecdote concerning a Pass It On staffer who overdosed at work just this morning, opening up yet another job opportunity.