Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart. “Sweet dreams, Señor Kerry,” the black-clad Santos López whispered as the 6-inch arachnid crawled up the secretary of state’s bedsheets and, after a momentary pause as it reached Kerry’s bare neck, stepped off the blanket and onto his exposed skin. “We always said your support of the WTO’s Trade Facilitation Agreement might one day come back to bite you.” At press time, Kerry awoke in terrified paralysis, his eyes widening in horror as the highly venomous spider crept slowly to the bridge of his nose.