NHL Trade Deadline Passes Without Single Noticeable Change

DETROIT—Despite a record-breaking number of trades made on the day of the first trade deadline since the 2004-2005 lockout, league insiders and die-hard NHL fans alike have failed to recognize that anything is different, according to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “I know for a fact that over 50 players were traded, including a bunch of Russians, some Finnish goaltenders, and a few Czechs or Slovakians or something who were dealt amongst the 30 or so NHL teams. Still, it’s hard to remember names and positions without having the paperwork in front of me,” Bettman said. “However, I can state for the record that there are a number of new lantern-jawed, gap-toothed, largely interchangeable faces in locker rooms throughout the league. I guess they all just wanted to play in other cities.” An ESPN quick-poll determined that most sports fans were unaware of the NHL players who were traded, the NHL trade deadline, or the NHL.