Seattle Seahawks
Strength: Reports from coach’s office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there
San Francisco 49ers
Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what’s to stop the entire team from following suit?
St. Louis Rams
Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
Biggest Question: What sick fuck thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?
Arizona Cardinals
Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can’t bear to watch
Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL
