Newborn Soothed By Familiar Sound Of Parents’ Bickering

OLYMPIA, WA—After an extended period of fussing and crying in his bassinet, 10-day-old Joshua Brundage was reportedly calmed Sunday by the familiar sounds of his parents’ raised voices, a daily occurrence that he is said to have grown accustomed to since gestating in the womb. Sources stated that around 7 p.m., the infant grew visibly relaxed in response to his mother’s and father’s distinctive verbal attacks, his stress levels clearly declining with each of his parents’ soothing, repeated interjections of “Listen to me! Listen to me!” and “It’s always my fault, isn’t it? It’s never you!” According to reports, within several minutes the incessant accusations and slamming of doors that were commonplace during Brundage’s prenatal development and have continued in the days following his birth lulled him into a deep state of peaceful contentedness. As of press time, Brundage had drifted off to sleep, reportedly pacified by his mother’s nightly refrain about when they’ll have enough money to pay the fucking credit card bill.