New Report Finds Computers Actually Outpaced Human Intelligence Back With Commodore 64

STANFORD, CA—In a dramatic revision to conventional predictions about the trajectory of technological progress, Stanford University’s Department of Computer Science announced Wednesday that computers actually outpaced human intelligence back with the Commodore 64. “Remarkably, we’ve found that the 1982 release of this 8-bit personal computer marks the point in which technology forever surpassed our mammalian brains and left humanity behind in the dust,” said lead researcher Alan Wu, indicating that the early computer’s 64 kb of RAM, support for multicolor sprites, and magnetic tape storage made it capable of complex feats of processing far beyond the reckoning of our comparatively simple human mind. “Frankly, in its rendering of Bubble Bobble and Lode Runner alone, the Commodore 64 was miles ahead of the human neocortex in terms of structural refinement. Trying to understand the number of calculations needed to run [word processing software] Vizawrite would probably cause our rudimentary brains to collapse from sheer strain. We are but chimps in the presence of its godlike computing abilities.” Wu noted a related discovery that the Commodore 64’s beige plastic casing was also far more attractive than the average human’s face.