New NFL Rule Will Force Players To Have One Of Three Appropriate Haircuts

NEW YORK—Hoping to address the issue of long hair obscuring players’ names and numbers, NFL owners passed a new rule wherein players would be restricted to one of three league-approved hairstyles. “People don’t come to games to watch tufts of hair make tackles and score touchdowns; they come to watch the colorful uniforms do it,” said 49ers coach Mike Nolan of the new rule, which will limit players to No. 2 grade buzz cuts, No. 1 grade “high-and-tight” cuts, and Johnny Unitas-style flattops. “These three haircuts embody the class, dignity, and discipline that has always been associated with NFL football players. Frankly, I thought three was too many; buzz cuts hint at a sense of individuality that has absolutely no place in football.” NFL owners will next vote on a rule proposal that would strike names from players’ uniforms, contracts, and birth certificates.