New Mother Forced To Put Dream Of Becoming Central Asian Dictator On Hold

ASHGABAT, TURKMENISTAN—Putting her aspirations on the back burner for now, new mother Akja Charyeva told reporters Friday that she was forced to put her dream of becoming a Central Asian dictator on hold. “However much I want to bring the Turkmen people under the rule of my iron first, I have to prioritize taking care of my newborn,” said Charyeva, noting how frustrating it felt given that she spent her entire 20s positioning herself to become a despotic tyrant of the upper-middle-income former Soviet republic. “This wouldn’t be an issue if Ashgabat had a better daycare system, but the way it is, I just don’t have time to slaughter the opposition and consolidate power. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be a mother, I am. I just wish that didn’t also mean having to give up total unchecked power over an insular, fossil-fuel-rich nation.” At press time, a determined Charyeva was seen amassing a militia of army defectors while her child slept in her crib.