The discovery of a dogfighting ring in a house owned by Michael Vick has led to speculation of what other secrets the Falcons quarterback might be hiding. Onion Sports runs down the potentially damaging sights that frequent visitors to Vick’s mansion have reported witnessing
Embarrassingly thick glasses Vick needs to see more than 20 yards in front of him
A fully annotated slam book, evidence that Vick and his friends can get pretty catty when they get together and start talking
Empty beer cans everywhere, because although Vick is well over legal age, something about empty beer cans always seems to add drama to an already troublesome situation
Authentic original of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” implying that either the version in the Oslo museum or the one owned by Norwegian billionaire Petter Olsen are in fact forgeries
Over 200 tubes of lipstick in various tastefully understated shades
Perfectly legal, albeit tasteless, cat-fighting set-up
Framed diploma proving that Oxford University awarded Vick a doctorate in Jacobean theater during the 2003 offseason
Water cooler with secret compartment containing stash of Oreos
Assorted helmets, pads, and other gladiatorial gear, presumably for use in some grotesque human-versus-human bloodsport
