New Jan. 6 Footage Shows Nancy Pelosi Threatening To Give Trump Bad Stock Tips

WASHINGTON—In what many are calling the most dramatic evidence collected by the Jan. 6 committee to date, new footage released Friday showed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) inside the Capitol threatening to give Trump bad stock tips. “I don’t care, I’ve been waiting for this—if he trespasses on Capitol grounds, I’m going to gently take him aside, say I have insider information he’ll be very interested in, and feed him ill-fated investment tips that will almost immediately tank,” said Pelosi, who, huddling with visibly rattled colleagues in a back room, quickly compared the worst, low-margin stock tips that they’d gleaned from various top-secret meetings together. “If he comes here, I guarantee you I am going to wreck him worse than Enron, and by the time I’m done with him, his portfolio will be less than fucking zero. Seriously, I will turn that bitch into a bag holder. I’ll go to jail. I don’t care.” At press time, the Jan. 6 committee had also released a video in which Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) could be heard frantically calling their brokers and citing inside information that gun stock prices were about to soar.