New Al-Qaeda Recruit Sick Of Hearing Senior Terrorists Brag About 9/11 Attacks

BANNU, PAKISTAN—Less than two months after joining the militant Islamist organization al-Qaeda, recently recruited operative Umar Hassan told reporters Tuesday he has already grown tired of listening to senior terrorists brag about the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. “The older guys never shut up about it,” said Hassan, adding that “it’s always Twin Towers this and hijackers that” with the veterans. “Don’t get me wrong—9/11 was awesome and really helped put the name out there. Now it’s kind of a problem, though. Because it was so iconic and our first big break, it’s like there’s nothing we can do that’s, you know, bigger than that. We’re working on some cool stuff right now, some biological stuff I think is really solid. But sometimes it feels like no one even notices because they’re always going on and on about something that happened 11 goddamn years ago.” Hassan added that he actually thought the 9/11 attacks were slightly overrated, noting that “they didn’t even hit the White House.”