As the new NBA season opens, Onion Sports analysts take a look at the league’s trends and tendencies in an attempt to predict the progress of professional basketball:
A determined Mark Cuban will sit even closer to the court and yell even more stuff at the refs
Dwayne Wade, who has already won a championship and sees no point in trying to win another, will return to the court 200 pounds heavier
The Atlanta Hawks will win the hearts of Americans everywhere when they augment their sloppy play with funny sound effects
Mid-season rule changes will mean dribbling is no longer optional
Bucks rookie Yi Jianlian will find the NBA facilities much nicer than the coalmine where he and his Chinese teammates were housed
The Knicks will not score a single point all season long
Watch out for a touching Sports Illustrated article on how Ron Artest is actually a decent, loving, spiritual man and/or Artest receiving a season-long suspension for eating a puppy alive
In order to generate more fan interest, the Denver Nuggets will change their team name to the Denver Big Ol’ Scary Dragons
All-Star Week excess will reach new heights when the game is played inside a gigantic diamond
For the 35th consecutive year, no rainouts
