Navy Admiral Thinks He's 'Mr. Important'

QUANTICO, VA—According to a recently published report, Navy Admiral John A. Weinhardt, 57, thinks he is “Mr. Important,” or something. “Oooooooh… Aren’t we Mr. Special? Aren’t we just Mr. Look- At- All- My- Medals- I’m- So- Important- I’m- a- Mr.- Big-Shot- Important- Mr.- Navy- Man,” read part of the 340-page classified government report, which concluded, “Like wow, I’m really powerful. Oooh, look at all these people saluting me… Like, I’m just so cool, you know?.” Admiral Weinhardt has declined comment on the allegations.