Nation’s Moms Announce There No Way In Hell You’re Sleeping Until Noon Every Day This Summer

WASHINGTON—Barging into your bedroom and turning on the lights, the nation’s moms announced Monday that there was no way in hell you’re sleeping until noon every day this summer. “I don’t care if you have to go to bed early every night, if that’s what it takes, but you’re not about to just piss away your summer vacation staying up late and then sleeping all day,” said Margie Packer, 47, on behalf of moms all across the country, stressing that they let this lazy behavior go on for a week, but it ends today, so you need to get up, get dressed, and make your bed. “I’ll tell you right now, it’s not gonna be like last summer. Either you get a job or take that volunteer opportunity at the old folks’ home like we talked about, but you’ve got another thing coming if you think I’m just gonna let you sleep all damn day. I know you’re tired, but I’ve been up since six this morning and I need your help around the house. And while you’re at it, your room is just filthy.” At press time, the nation’s moms issued a stern warning that if they came back and you were still in bed, there would be serious repercussions.