Nation Could Really Use A Few Days Where It Isn’t Gripped By Something

WASHINGTON—Confessing that the phrase “downward spiral” was getting pretty old at this point, the nation confirmed Tuesday that it could really use a few days where it wasn’t gripped by something. “Man, I’m not saying it has to be today or even tomorrow, but it would be great to finally relax and just have a little time where we’re not in the clutches of anything,”said 53-year-old Kansas City resident Mike Packman, adding that all he and his fellow Americans wanted was a single, 72-hour period where the nation could hit the pause button and refrain from experiencing something earth-shattering or historical in a bad way. “Just a short break from spending every waking moment in the throes of something or another. It’s not that I mind occasionally seeing ‘wake up call,’ or ‘code red,’ but when it happens every day, it’s just too much. Sheesh, maybe just throw us a bone and let us face unprecedented growth or celebrate a milestone for once, okay?” At press time, the nation clarified that it also wanted a break from hearing the word “healing” because it forced them to think about what already occurred.