Nation Celebrates Awkward 'Take Your Illegitimate Daughter To Work' Day

WASHINGTON, DC—Tensions were running high Tuesday as Americans nervously explained their jobs, gave workplace tours, and introduced their bastard children to coworkers on National “Take Your Illegitimate Daughter To Work” Day. “Today, we encourage young girls to think about the future while we acknowledge the sins of our past,” said President Bush, who insisted that cameras remain trained on his face during his address. “Let’s encourage our unnamed children to build a career that takes them to new and exciting places very, very far away.” The annual holiday was established under President Kennedy in 1962.