Whether they’re making love, fornicating, or breeding, Americans love to fuck. The Onion looks at the most popular sexual position in every state.
Alabama
Sex On Electric Chair
Alaska
Mushing The Dog
Arizona
Arthritic Hand Job
Arkansas
Eat Maw’s Pie
California
“So This Will Get Me The Part?”
Colorado
Rocky Mountain Oyster Maker
Connecticut
Gardener From Behind While Husband At Work
Delaware
Glory Loophole
Florida
Blow Job From Own Dentures
Georgia
Ass To Mouth To Dick To Pussy To Feet
Hawaii
Lava Squirting
Idaho
Fully Loaded Baked Potato With Cheddar Cheese, Bacon, Sour Cream, And Green Onions On Top
Illinois
Mouth-On-Hot-Dog Stimulation
Indiana
Defiling The Purity Ring
Iowa
Reverse Cow
Kansas
Toto-Style
Kentucky
The Seabiscuit
Louisiana
Crawdiddling
Maine
Sex With A Mermaid Hallucination While Isolating In A Remote Cabin
Maryland
Star-Spangled Banging
Massachusetts
Hanging The Witch
Michigan
Militia-Style
Minnesota
Ope, Wrong Hole
Mississippi
Abstinence
Missouri
Strictly Procreational Cowgirl
Montana
Pardner On Back
Nebraska
Reverse Hayride
Nevada
Double Penetration Or Nothing
New Hampshire
When The Penis Falls Out And You Have To Put It Back In
New Jersey
Reverse Turnpike
New Mexico
Mom’s Horny Friend On Top
New York
Twin Towering
North Carolina
Gerrymandering The Pussy
North Dakota
Jerking Off Basically Wherever, There’s No One Around So It’s Really No Big Deal—Seriously, Do It! You Can In The Majority Of This State’s Land Area, And 9 Times Out Of 10 Nobody’s Even Going To Know, I Promise, Nobody’s Gonna Say Shit To You, Man, I Swear To God, Just Whip It The Fuck Out And Yank Away
Ohio
On A Bed Of Spaghetti And Hot Dogs
Oklahoma
Tumbling Across Dry, Dusty Road
Oregon
Locally Sourced Ass-To-Table
Pennsylvania
Traditional Amish Vagina Churning
Rhode Island
Oyster-Erotic Asphyxiation
South Carolina
Mommy And Daddy Are Fighting
South Dakota
Trying To Shove A Penis Inside Of Another Penis Before Eventually Giving Up
Tennessee
Cumming In Pants While Riding The Mechanical Bull And Trying To Play The Whole Thing Off Like A Joke But The Rest Of The Bachelor Party Is Definitely Treating You Differently Afterward
Texas
Taking Down 72-Ounce Cock In Under An Hour
Utah
Hymn Job
Vermont
The Topless Bridge
Virginia
The Abuse Of Power
Washington
With The SAD Lamp On
West Virginia
Manchin-On-Manchin
Wisconsin
Too Drunk To Get Hard
Wyoming
Bumping Buffalos
