Most Popular New Year’s Resolution By State

Published:

December 27, 2023

Whether it’s their bad habits, obnoxious behavior, or total lack of achievements, Americans are chronically dissatisfied and always looking for ways to improve their pathetic lives. The Onion looks at the most popular New Year’s resolution by state.

Alabama

Find slaves that escaped plantation

Alaska

Shave the bears

Arizona

Remember name of grandson

Arkansas

Read less

California

Try a calorie for the first time

Colorado

Find way down mountain

Connecticut

Become active in community by petitioning country club to at least allow Asians

Delaware

Be less quaint

Florida

Try to do one simple thing each day that makes an immigrant’s life worse

Georgia

Reconnect with estranged father, mother, siblings, cousins, and grandparents

Hawaii

Continue living in Hawaii

Idaho

Taste an exotic delicacy from P.F. Chang’s

Illinois

Cut down on breaks between meals

Indiana

Finally get a look at spouse’s nipples

Iowa

Ignore louder and louder whispering coming from the cornfield

Kansas

Cure mental illness by getting kicked in head by a donkey

Kentucky

Eat a winning horse for once

Louisiana

Get arm back from gator

Maine

Make it through just one squall without being washed overboard

Maryland

Finally free self from crab trap

Massachusetts

Escape from drunk tank

Michigan

Get back down to college blood-alcohol content

Minnesota

Cut down on junk food sprinkled over casserole

Mississippi

Settle down and get married before eighth-grade graduation

Missouri

Visit one of Missouri’s many historical and cultural landmarks, of course! That’s right, Missouri is home to countless hidden gems that make for a one-of-a-kind Midwestern adventure! Whether it’s driving a convertible down Route 66 or taking in the majestic beauty of the Ozarks, Missouri has something for everyone!