Whether the incident was humiliating, disappointing, or just two sad people laboriously smashing their disgusting bodies together in a fit of passion, Americans never forget their first time. The Onion examines the most common first sexual experiences by state.
Alabama
Mandatory genital inspection
Alaska
Dry humping for warmth
Arizona
Getting jerked off by nurse at old people’s home
Arkansas
Prematurely ejaculated on by Bill Clinton
California
Handsy Nickelodeon producer
Colorado
Tugjob during school shooter drill
Connecticut
Masturbating in closet while maid makes bed
Delaware
Making two clams kiss
Florida
Girls Gone Wild taping
Georgia
Everyone in family sharing one big bed so it’s game-on when the lights go out
Hawaii
Unexpected visit from very horny dolphin
Idaho
With conversion therapy camp counselor
Illinois
Taking pants off from being too full and figuring you may as well masturbate
Indiana
Holding own hand
Iowa
With wife on wedding night and it was worth every second of the wait! We love you so much, Tabitha.
Kansas
Pressing genitals against 160-mph tornado winds
Kentucky
Rubbing butts together
Louisiana
Getting fingered just as the levees burst during hurricane Katrina and always thinking it was your sins that caused it
Maine
Grinding on L.L. Bean mannequin
Maryland
In basement of Comet Ping Pong
Massachusetts
Cannot disclose due to settlement with archdiocese
Michigan
Having every hole filled by robot on factory assembly line
Minnesota
Apologizing 30 times during 15-second hand job
Mississippi
Having their undercarriage tickled by a catfish’s whiskers while taking a dip in the bayou
Missouri
Dual celebration for prom/wedding night
Montana
Fish tugging on string tied to penis
Nebraska
Seeing picture of Kool-Aid Man for first time
Nevada
Teasing slot with tip of quarter
New Hampshire
A handjob in the movie theatre seeing Harry Potter And The Goblet of Fire. Feeling yourself getting close to the edge as Harry dives underwater to save his friends during the Tri-Wizard tournament. Seeing Harry use the “ascendio” spell to shoot out of the Hogwarts lake will forever be burned into your young mind as it perfectly synced up to what was happening all over your pants. But then, suddenly, the rush of shame.
New Jersey
Sex in a tanning bed
New Mexico
Using a rattlesnake rattle as a vibrator
New York
Routine stop-and-frisk
North Carolina
Whatever she said happened, she’s lying
North Dakota
Sex with the frozen body of a dead traveler
Ohio
Covered up by Jim Jordan
Oklahoma
Losing virginity at 16 and then becoming a born-again virgin and losing virginity again at 18 and becoming a born-again virgin again and losing virginity a third time at age 25
Oregon
Sensually shaving moss off tumescent tree
Pennsylvania
Unbelievably fucked-up Amish shit
Rhode Island
Giving reach-around to polo horse
South Carolina
Hooking up in last row of Klan meeting
South Dakota
Whatever a great and profound loneliness hath wrought
Tennessee
Grinding on partner through three inches of denim
Texas
Big Mouth Billy Bass stuff
Utah
Imagination running wild during Bible story
Vermont
Sneaking into the adults-only flavor section at Ben and Jerry’s
Virginia
A crime
Washington
Illicit bigfoot encounter
West Virginia
Blowjob from a jar of loose teeth
Wisconsin
Getting picked to spend seven minutes in heaven with bratwurst
Wyoming
Watching two horses fuck
