Americans across the country thrive at messing things up and ending relationships. The Onion examines the most common reason for breakups in every state.
Alabama
Found someone else’s drool in spittoon
Alaska
Felt incredibly isolated as only person in relationship
Arizona
Discovered partner was cactus dressed in old clothes
Arkansas
Questionable loyalty to Razorbacks
California
Aged several seconds after sex
Colorado
Partner constantly bogarted joint
Connecticut
Partner’s name in Epstein flight logs
Delaware
You discover they are not the person you thought, but are instead a limited liability corporation
Florida
Felt unsupported while being swallowed by Burmese python
Georgia
Tension rising ever since new cousin born
Hawaii
Jealous of crab that pinched partner’s nipple
Idaho
Militias incompatible
Illinois
Found out partner was visiting another hot dog stand behind their back
Indiana
Conversion camp worked
Iowa
Unresolved butter trauma
Kansas
Met someone even blander
Kentucky
Refusing to share the fentanyl
Louisiana
Wouldn’t say where they got all those beads
Maine
Significant other turned out to be a hallucination brought on by loneliness
Maryland
Found a younger, more soft-shelled crab
Massachusetts
Sobered up
Michigan
Plotted to kidnap governor on anniversary
Minnesota
Partner grew excessively courteous
Mississippi
Overalls constantly got in the way of sex
Missouri
Budweiser did in fact turn husband gay
Montana
Claimed sky looked tiny
Nebraska
Girlfriend escaped her cage
Nevada
Walked in on them being double-teamed by Penn and Teller
New Hampshire
Caught peeping at other leaves
New Jersey
Bitch was wearing a wire
New Mexico
Alien genitals not as compatible as previously thought
New York
No time for relationships! I’m a high-powered career woman!!
North Carolina
Made you look like a fool at state trivia night by forgetting that the state motto is “Esse quam videri”
North Dakota
Just can’t do it anymore, Frank. Yes, it’s us, Frank. We’re sorry. We know a 50-state slideshow is probably not the best way to tell you this. But you’ve changed. You’ve gotten mean and bitter over the years. And gosh, life is long, if you give it a chance. We can’t stay trapped in this relationship with you. Not anymore, Frank. All of our stuff will already be gone by the time you read this. Don’t beat yourself up. Try to find happiness again.
Ohio
Pressed charges
Oklahoma
Chased away from one of three beautiful daughter partners by angry farmer
Oregon
Irreconcilable differences about veganism versus vegetarianism
Pennsylvania
Communication issues due to partner being forbidden from using telephone, internet, automobile
Rhode Island
Never spend time with other clam couples
South Carolina
Relationship cursed after attending plantation wedding
South Dakota
Partner expected them to do all the work pumping handcar
Tennessee
Sweetheart spotted in some other feller’s pickup
Texas
Separated by ICE agents
Utah
Sex not the same after seeing what’s behind the sheet
Vermont
Too full of cheese and maple syrup to be caring lover
Virginia
Partner once again Russian spy
Washington
A.I. girlfriend shut down by regulators
West Virginia
Everybody done went back home after family reunion
Wisconsin
Spending way too much time at supper club salad bar
Wyoming
Rode off into sunset
