Elon Musk may have taken on $13 billion in debt to buy Twitter, but with his unparalleled brilliance, he’ll earn it back in no time. Here are the most genius ways Elon Musk will make the social media platform profitable.
Slip And Fall Scam
Just in case you’re wondering why Elon Musk is writhing in pain outside Twitter HQ.
Holding Fired Employees Upside Down And Shaking Them Until Loose Change Falls Out
Gotta be worth a try.
Good Old-Fashioned Tax Evasion
If it works for his other companies, it’ll work for Twitter.
Two-Drink Minimum
Twitter is better after a few drinks anyway.
Adding Reels, Shorts, Stories, Blogs, Forums, Chat Rooms, Maps, Streaming, Bidding, VR, Dating, And Ride-Sharing
One of them has got to work!
Save Costs By Making The Site A Little Dimmer
The site will also go completely dark during times when no one is using it.
Charge People To Not Be On Twitter
There are an estimated 240 million active users worldwide, but this pales in comparison to the 7.7 billion people not using Twitter. That’s where the real money is.
Buying All Other Major Social Media Platforms And Running Them Into The Ground
If Twitter is the only option, people will have to give it a shot.
Rentable Tweets
Instead of retweeting, Twitter users will be able to rent a limited number of views on favorite tweets.
Charging For Ability To Stop Typing
Free users will be forced to keep typing until their fingers atrophy and the tendons in their hands snap.
Replacing Staff With His Own Underpaid Progeny
He’s well on his way.
Self-Tweeting Technology
Taking notes from the success of Tesla, Musk plans to roll out a feature that will take all of the stress out of tweeting by automatically generating thoughts and opinions for its users.
Merch
He could sell shirts or something.
The Sound Of Someone Repeating The C-Word Loudly Plays Until Users Pay To Mute It
As a bonus, users will also get to chose what the next automatically played slur will be.
Canceling His Car Insurance
Trimming the fat in his own personal expenses will help focus his financial goals.
Add A Paid Tier For People Who Want Access To Easily Dox Journalists And Public Officials
For too long, people have been able to threaten journalists and public officials without generating a direct profit for the social media platform.
Changing Its Name To TikTok
He’ll definitely get sued, but it’ll temporarily boost users in the confused idiot demographic.
Killing Two-Thirds Of Twitter’s Workforce
Dead people can’t collect severance or file wrongful termination lawsuits.
Increase Profits
The man truly is a genius.
