Monsanto Investor Removes Wedding Ring Before Taking Meeting With Tall, Busty Celery

ST. LOUIS—Quickly checking his hair in the mirror and smelling his breath before she arrived, Monsanto investor George Reese reportedly removed his wedding ring Thursday night before taking a meeting with a tall, busty celery stalk. “Well, well, well, there she is—the most beautiful genetically modified stalk of perfectly ripe Pascal celery I have ever seen,” said Reese, before looking the pouty, voluptuous plant up and down, taking a large swig of his drink, running his fingers through her leaves, and gently placing his hand on her long, fibrous stem. “I know this is supposed to be a business meeting, but you’re so much more beautiful than the photo I saw on your seed packet. When I came here, I thought I was just going to stay a few nights and purchase some boring old industrial crops. I never thought I would have met the most amazing female vegetable specimen on God’s green earth. Plus, you’ve got a four-week shelf life, bug resistance, and an amazing rack to boot? Cheers.” At press time, sources confirmed the voluptuous celery threw a drink in Reese’s face after going through his wallet while he was in the bathroom and finding a family portrait of him with a giant rutabaga and two tiny turnips.