Monsanto Executive Threatens To Detonate Every Corncob In Nation Unless Demands Met

ST. LOUIS—Warning that the corn found in kitchens, grocery stores, and restaurants across the country were ticking time bombs, Monsanto executive Jeff Dunbarton threatened to detonate every corncob in the nation Wednesday unless his demands were met. “Should you fail to deliver the $20 billion I require, I will be forced to set off every single ear of corn in America,” the company’s head of crop science said before blowing up an 800-acre Iowa cornfield as a demonstration, claiming that was just a small taste of what was to come if he did not receive the full amount by midnight. “We have genetically engineered all cobs to have the maximum blast radius, which would blow kernels through the skull of every man, woman, and child across the country. In addition, if you have consumed corn in the past 24 hours, the detonation will cause your abdomen to forcefully explode as the partially digested kernels rupture your intestines.” At press time, the cackling executive was reportedly counting his money when he decided to go ahead and level the entire Midwest anyway.