Mitt Romney Announces He's Running For His Life

LOS ANGELES—Darting across the set of The Tonight Show to enthusiastic applause, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney announced Tuesday that he was running for his life. “Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot wait any longer,” a sweating and breathless Romney said as he looked back frantically over his shoulder. “After rapidly consulting with my family, I have decided that now, more than ever, is the perfect time for me to GAAAHH!” After jumping over bandleader Kevin Eubanks and barreling his way backstage, the political candidate added, “My name is Mitt Romney and I hope to live to be Mitt Romney in 2012!”