Mitch McConnell Has Hands, Vocal Cords Removed To Prevent Self From Holding Hearing On Scalia Replacement

WASHINGTON—In a move aimed at blocking any attempt by President Obama to appoint a new Supreme Court justice before he leaves the White House next January, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly had his hands and vocal cords surgically removed Thursday to prevent himself from holding a hearing to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia. “Senator McConnell feels very strongly that the next president should decide this issue, and has elected to undergo surgical procedures to amputate both hands and sever his vocal cords to ensure that anyone nominated by President Obama for the vacant Supreme Court seat will receive neither a Senate hearing nor a confirmation vote,” said McConnell’s press secretary, Robert Steurer, adding that the top-ranking Republican would remain steadfast in his opposition to any liberal-leaning appointee by completely eliminating his ability to write, speak, or strike a gavel to open a legislative session. “Senator McConnell is extremely committed to upholding his party’s ideals. Though there will be intense pressure to give in, the Senate majority leader is no longer physically capable of wavering on this issue.” At press time, sources confirmed McConnell was gouging his eyes out to avoid even being able to read the name of Obama’s forthcoming nominee.