STRENGTHS: Summoned the hypocrisy necessary to trade Santonio Holmes for pot infraction but keep Ben Roethlisberger; can manage and motivate an entire 40-man roster of elite athletes while staying on one side of white line; only decided to coach the Steelers after finding out there was no Neil O’Donnell, Kordell Stewart, or Bam Morris
WEAKNESSES: Has shown he is capable of occasionally losing games; often makes players feel like they’ll never be as cool as him; is only like 22 years old or something
AMOUNT OF BUSINESS IN ATTITUDE: 100 percent
CLIPBOARD: Brown Sparco 00893 Hardboard with Nickel-Plated Clip
NUMBER OF YEARS UNTIL HE IS A HAS-BEEN COACH JUMPING FROM FRANCHISE TO FRANCHISE, TRYING TO BRING CHAMPIONSHIPS TO A LONG-SUFFERING FAN BASE BUT ACTUALLY SERVING AS A BURNT-OUT MONEY-SUCKING HUSK OF HIS FORMER SELF: Eight
