The season of the Zweibelmas-tide is upon us at long last! Only a few shopping-days remain before Sept. 21, the glorious and solemn Day of the Zweibelmas itself. Several months ago in this space I advised my readers to begin preparations for this most holy and auspicious event, which celebrates all things Zweibel. Well, now it is time to behead the fatted ox, eat blood-pudding, and grease the staircase! Zweibelmas is upon us!
As for myself, I plan to stay up all night and breathlessly await the coming of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, the spirit of my deceased infant twin Y. Josiah. Every Zweibelmas-Eve, he arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum to deliver toys and candy to myself. What will I get this year? An orange? A jumping-jack? A whirl-i-gig? I am just giddy with anticipation! Zweibelmas is my favorite holiday, with St. Swithin’s Day a close second.
I do not wish to miss the arrival of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, so I have decided that when Mr. Tin administers my nightly soothing-syrups to me on Zweibelmas-Eve, I will spit them out in my bed-pan when he is not looking. I have never caught a glimpse of Y. Josiah in all my 134 years, and I wish to see him before I go to my reward.
My previous nurse, who you may recall was a dull-witted walrus, once had the unmitigated gall to say that there is no such thing as the Fairy Zweibel-Child, and that September 21 is no holiday, but rather the day my bed-chamber is fumigated each year. My prosthetic ears almost popped off, so aghast I was at such heresy! I would have had the filthy blasphemer thrashed to within an inch of her life, but I was receiving a rather potent enema at the time and was in no position to rebut her scandalous claims.
This upcoming Zweibelmas-Eve, as you sing Zweibel carols and eat your special holiday gruel, pause to contemplate just how very blessed you are to have Zweibels, for the world would indeed be a dark and backward place without us. A very merry Zweibelmas to you all!
T. Herman Zweibel, the great grandson of Onion founder Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel, was born in 1868, became editor of The Onion at age 20, and persisted in various editorial posts until his launching into space in 2001. Zweibel’s name became synonymous with American business success in the 20th century. Many consider him the “Father Of American Journalism,” also the title of his well-known 1943 biography, written by Norman Rombauer.
