Amid their constant concern that the feminization of society is causing a decline in male fertility, The Onion asked men’s rights activists to explain how they increase their sperm count, and this is what they said.
Alex Davis, Painter
“Only jerk off once a month, underneath the full moon.”
Wesley Grant, Stylist
“I inject myself with 10 CCs of testosterone every day and then another 10 CCs of sugar to make it go down smooth.”
Andy Zane, Chiropractor
“Oh my God, sperm? Is that what that stuff is? Gross.”
Keith Jordan, Creative Director
“I don’t exercise, eat right, or practice any forms of stress management, but I just bought an enormous tub of supplements off Amazon that has multiple typos in the ingredients list.”
Austin Ziolkowski, Telemarketer
“Triscuits. It’s all about Triscuits.”
Sam Wheelan, Speechwriter
“You might not like to hear this, but doing incest really does get my count up.”
Steve Harrison, Locksmith
“I hire a man with lots of sperm to cum for me.”
James Emmerson, Sports Anchor
“I actually want my sperm count to be low. I want to have just one sperm as big as a tadpole that swims up into my woman’s brain and controls her from the inside.”
Leonard Quaid, Computer Analyst
“I place a small piece of beef in my wife’s vagina for my sperm to eat and become strong.”
Nathan Murphy, Lumber Salesman
“By injecting a 17-year-old’s semen into my testicles.”
Duncan West, Accountant
“I only take estrogen pills on cheat days.”
Paulo Renwald, Sales Associate
“If you play Mozart for your scrotum you’ll make more sperm.”
Jeremiah Wallace, Blogger
“I only allow one sperm to escape every time I cum.”
Tim Boyd, Sales Associate
“Beginning with a single paper clip, I was able to barter all the way up to a big house full of sperm.”
Martin Stosi, Delivery Driver
“I made a tiny little tin foil hat I wear on the head of my penis.”
Thomas Foxx, Budget Analyst
“I smash each of my sperms with a hammer so they shatter into millions of little sperms.”
Will Laird, Stenographer
“I buy my sperm in bulk at Costco.”
Doug Krissel, Little League Coach
“I detach my balls and let them wander free at night. Now there are fewer stray cats in the neighborhood, and my count is up.”
Theo Anderson, Executive Assistant
“I pay $600 a visit for Joe Rogan to give my balls a speech about the importance of male supremacy.”
Elliot Nhan, Attorney
“I prayed for more sperm, and now I have so much I’m actually terrified. You can see them swimming through my skin.”
Simon Behr, High School Teacher
“I didn’t have as much sperm as I wanted, so I signed up with a nonprofit to foster some.”
Jack Thatcher, Lab Technician
“I jerk off to a photo of sperm each morning to get the little guys excited.”
Anthony Jameson, Physiologist
“Don’t come too close. If you do, you’ll get pregnant.”
Ethan Granger, IT Specialist
“Ever since I started reading The Onion, my balls have been the size of cantaloupes.”
Rogelio Hernández, Firefighter
“I bribed my testicles to produce more sperm by shoving a $5 bill up my urethra.”
Bert Wright, Chimney Sweep
“Well, let me show you…in song! Cum-cumaree, cum-cumaree, cum-cum ca-ree, I drink my own semen and mix it with pee!”
Taylor Carter, Bond Trader
“I keep a bunch of young, virile men locked in my penthouse for ritual milking.”
