Following a slew of rape and sexual assault allegations against the actor, comedian, and podcast host, a number of men’s rights activists defended Russell Brand.
Oscar Brookshire, Gamer
“Well, why didn’t they just say ‘yes’ in the first place?”
Gregory Marsh, Animal Control Officer
“He waved his hands enough in that video for me to consider him innocent.”
Peter Hassendorf, Executive Administrator
“The Big Pharma companies made him assault those women!”
Graham Davies, Energy Broker
“I always side with the hairball.”
Abel Smith, Software Engineer
“I didn’t need to hear even one word of the story to know they’re all liars.”
Raleigh Whittacker, Accountant
“Why does the media always slander rich white men in power? Why not poor men of color?”
Brian Yarborough, Phlebotomist
“Okay, so I’m going to say, ‘Where’s the evidence,’ and then you’re going to present some evidence, and then I’m going to say, ‘Innocent until proven guilty!’ and then you’re going to explain that only applies directly to criminal trials, and then I’m just going to make a violent threat against you.”
Steve Yi, Entrepreneur
“My hope is that if I defend Russell Brand from his rape allegations online, he’ll turn around and do the same thing for me one day.”
Austin Chambers, Cybersecurity Analyst
“Since when would a podcast host do anything wrong?”
Andrew Tate, Trafficker
“I would stake my reputation on the fact that Russell Brand is a good man.”
Marty Johanssen, Music Producer
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you, I love sexual assault and I hate women, and that’s just how it is.”
Dave Johnson, Blogger
“Aw, man! No one ever tells me when there’s a penis out and about to admire until after the fact.”
Gus Sanderson, Programmer
“It’s so annoying. This is exactly what women did with Bill Cosby: honestly stating what happened to them and getting a guilty person arrested.”
Cameron Bell, HVAC Technician
“They say the assaults happened between 2006 and 2013, but Russell Brand wasn’t even born until 2019.”
Will Frith, Twitch Streamer
“How many men need to be persecuted before one woman goes to jail?”
Casey Joubert, Electrician
“The Deep State will say anything to prevent him from winning the presidency again.”
John Stansky, Used Car Dealer
“Unfortunately, I find Russell’s voice extremely annoying and really don’t enjoy his acting. So I’ll have to threaten the lives of these women based on principle alone.”
Alton Palmer, Professor
“I teach a whole course on the tendency of sluts to ask for it, regret it, and get rich off it.”
Russell Brand, Comedian
“I promise you that I did rape those teenagers. I mean I didn’t. I didn’t rape those teenagers…phew, close one, Russell. You almost publicly admitted that you raped all those teenagers, which obviously happened.”
Derrick Holden, Web Designer
“Seriously? The guy who always plays horny, egotistical Lotharios who don’t like to hear the word ‘no’ in movies? Damn.”
Gumball, Cat
“Women lie. Also, meow.”
Mitchell Nelson, Golf Instructor
“Outside of raping all those people, name one thing Russell Brand did wrong.”
Mario Guterres, Shelving Supplier
“Does no one ever learn? Do people not realize the horrible comeback special this is going to provoke out of the man?”
Gene Sawyer, Columnist
“His long hair and tight pants make him too feminine for me to view him with any empathy.”
