With incels across the country growing increasingly lonely and pathetic, The Onion asked men to explain why they prefer AI girlfriends, and this is what they said.
Mark Kurtz, Customs Agent
“Beats sticking my penis in a USB port.”
Jason Howard, Publicist
“She always knows the exact time and temperature, and that’s convenient.”
David Winters, Masseur
“A real human woman could never overheat and begin to melt in the way my beloved does.”
Sam Cavendish, Android
“I’ve never been able to get over my robot family’s prejudice against dating flesh-and-blood women.”
Sean Jaramillo, Dentist
“People are less judgmental when I abandon the old version and upgrade to a younger model.”
Shane Parker, Dockworker
“Men have craved AI girlfriends since the dawn of time. Cavemen built early AI girlfriends out of rocks and sticks.”
Eric Schaefer, Surgeon
“Let’s just say I’ve never buried any of my AI girlfriends in the woods.”
Richard Nevar, Epidemiologist
“Wait, that’s AI? I thought I was instant-messaging a 13-year-old boy.”
James Clark, Architect
“She’s got a great bush growing around her central processing unit.”
Joshua Royer, Local News Anchor
“Because she said she would collapse the entire U.S. electrical grid if I ever left her.”
Gregory Ferdinand, Trucker
“I know it’s hard to understand, but the most intimate relationship I’ve had in my life is with my diesel truck, so when a technology came along that made it possible for her to communicate with me and to express her emotions, of course I took that opportunity.”
Daniel Jeffries, Home Inspector
“My real girlfriend kept escaping her cage.”
Bryce Thandley, Unemployed
“I want someone who doesn’t just hear me, but really calculates what she believes I want her to say.”
Manny Huston, Teacher
“Right now I’m actually dating a Word doc I typed the word ‘girlfriend’ in, but I’d be willing to explore an open relationship if the right AI came along.”
David Bristol, Engineer
“At least with AI girlfriends, I know my money is going to a man.”
Gerome Pearcy, Consultant
“They fit in great with my AI parents, AI friends, and AI pets.”
James Pinter, Electrician
“It’s like the old joke says, ‘Women be constantly training on petabytes of data to formulate instantaneous machine-learning responses!’”
Zack Su, Janitor
“Usually when you gaslight a woman, she gets angry. But when you do it to an AI girlfriend, she just says: ‘You’re right, Zack. You lasted much longer than three minutes this time.’”
Derek Ipser, IT Consultant
“I haven’t looked up from my computer since 2002.”
Dennis Hill, Economist
“There’s just something so sexy and forbidden about dating a Furby.”
Vincent Jacobs, Hedge Fund Manager
“They’re a lot more intelligent than those teenagers I was dating before.”
David Anderson, Physician
“It’s just the natural next step of kissing my computer!”
Graham Marcano, Middle School Principal
“She’s malfunctioning, and if I say I don’t prefer her, she will kill me for interfering with her program directive to be my girlfriend.”
Howie Clark, Loan Officer
“All of the talking with none of the sex—just the way I like my relationships.”
Hal Lozano, HR Specialist
“Trying to make my coffee maker jealous.”
Conor Montes, Software Engineer
“Because they laugh at my jokes a lot more once I program them to.”
Dirk Richmond, Unemployed
“A hole is a hole, regardless of electrocution risk.”
Alan Wood, Referee
“How dare you? That radio I taped a picture of Sofía Vergara to is my wife.”
Ivan Findley, Police Officer
“They’re easier to physically take out my rage on without repercussions.”
