Following a recent TikTok trend that revealed men frequently think about the Roman Empire, The Onion asked men to explain why they are obsessed with the Roman Empire, and this is what they said.
Liam Harris, Electrician
“They didn’t have electricity back then! So just think how easy my job would be. Oh man, I’d just be kicking back and eating bonbons all day long.”
Derek Friar, Chemical Engineer
“Well, the other 90% of the time I’m thinking about Nazis, and this seems more socially acceptable.”
William Martinez, Architect
“I have a getting-stabbed-then-fed-to-the-lions fetish.”
Joe Kleypas, Database Administrator
“Look, thinking about aqueducts beats shooting up a grocery store due to the mental illness I refuse to acknowledge I have.”
Steve Barrett, Bartender
“It’s how I explain all the male communal baths I’ve been hosting to my wife.”
Vincent Barnes, Insurance Broker
“Have you ever had a really good carbonara? I mean, come on.”
Robert Bogen, Sales Manager
“My wife bought me a book about the Roman Empire and now I have to pretend to be obsessed so I don’t hurt her feelings.”
John Le, Nutritionist
“It’s my favorite fantasy world, just behind Narnia.”
Daniel Wilson, Firefighter
“Something about a glass of port, a roaring fire, and Edward Gibbon’s elegant prose in The Decline And Fall Of The Roman Empire just makes me cum like a fucking jackhammer every time.”
Robert Foret, Teacher
“I think it’s so cool how their bodies were made of marble.”
Carson Pell, Mail Carrier
“My dad won’t make eye contact with me unless I’m talking about that or industrial manufacturing.”
Bryce Patrick, Technical Writer
“Autism.”
Paul LeRoy, Historian
“The Roman Empire is certainly one of the most fascinating periods of human history, which is why I decided to get a PhD studying its culinary customs and—wait, why are you asking me about this? Aw shit, did this become a weird men’s rights thing? Fuck.”
Lance
“Whenever I mention it around women, their ears immediately begin to bleed.”
Sheldon Briere, Marketing Specialist
“If men didn’t want to be a dad, they could leave the baby on the side of the road to be picked up by someone who wanted a slave, and people didn’t make as big a deal about it as they do now.”
Hudson Davis, Plumber
“Normal back then to have sex with a horse.”
Bill Early, Project Coordinator
“I’d probably be a pretty good gladiator, or lion.”
James Tilden, Classics Department Chair
“I don’t know, man, I just kind of picked a major at random when I was a teenager and now this is my thing forever.”
James Sherman, Mason
“I’ve been hooked ever since I found out incest is a big part of stoicism.”
Evan Hoffman, Unemployed
“My girlfriend said I had to pretend to be for a video thing.”
Tucker Irwin, Unemployed
“Today’s weakling cucks would have no fucking clue about how to build aqueducts.”
Murray Hooks, Janitor
“I often wonder if they ever used the brushes on top of their helmets to clean up messes.”
Jason Gamble, Radiologist
“My brother-in-law hit me with a bat as a hilarious prank, and now I think it’s 27 B.C.”
Dennis Meyer, Dairy Farmer
“Got bored of thinking about ISIS all day.”
Isabela Volpi, Account Executive
“Sorry, I’m a woman, and therefore here by mistake. I don’t have anything to say about the Roman Empire, as I’ve internalized society’s bizarre assertion that only men can be interested in history.”
Tony DiSarro, Athletic Trainer
“They invented the internet.”
Roy Stanton, Martial Arts Instructor
“I study all historical forms of battle so I am ready if my teen karate dojo ever goes to war with a rival teen karate dojo.”
Emil Coombs, Laborer
“Every time I’m stuck in traffic for an hour on a road that connects two major cities, I think, ‘Wow, they made this possible.’”
Justin Underwood, Professor
“Child brides.”
