The Onion asked men—the world’s foremost experts on asking permission, listening, and respecting boundaries—what the word consent means, and this is what they said.
Mark Burnstein, Dietitian
“Simple. Consent is when someone hasn’t said ‘no’ yet.”
Ron Jones, Accountant
“You gather both people’s respective legal teams in a conference room, write ‘Do you want to have sex with me?’ on a tiny piece of paper, and then slide it across the table.”
Marc Gibbs, Paralegal
“How should I know? I’m a man.”
Moe Wilks, Collector
“Isn’t that the word for a group of lemurs? A consent of lemurs? That sounds right.”
Adam Nielsen, Gym Teacher
“‘Consent’ is just another way to say ‘yeehaw.’”
Rob Wilson, Web Designer
“It’s what happens when a woman reluctantly gives you a hand job just to shut you up.”
Pete
“Thankfully I don’t have to worry about that now that I’m married.”
Greg Pashmina, Accountant
“It’s just one of those things where I know it when I get sued about it.”
Troy Childress, Financial Analyst
“Consent means getting women to clearly verbalize their disgust with you instead of just using body language.”
Wilfredo Reyes, Statistician
“It’s just another buzzword, like ‘edutainment’ or ‘computer.’”
Donald Trump, Former President
“Oh, that’s not something people in my tax bracket generally need to worry about.”
Allen Romero, Truck Driver
“It’s a violation of the natural order ordained by God that says man has dominion over the beasts of the field, which was the Bible’s term for women.”
Chris Plyman, Accountant
“I believe it’s a type of temperate, semi-flowering shrub.”
Max Daley, Teacher
“Gradually manipulating women into dating you through years of gaslighting instead of just intimidating them.”
Sam Orlovsky, Business Analyst
“Consent is when a dude asks to join your Call Of Duty party instead of just entering the lobby.”
Shawn Wheeler, Personal Trainer
“It’s when I agree that yes, everyone does want to fuck me.”
Jermaine Nelson, Engineer
“What is ‘meaning’? Can we truly define any abstract concept, or is meaning constantly in flux with changing social mores and perceptions? Either way, she was totally asking for it.”
Bill Cosby, Comedian
“Pass.”
