The Onion asked Americans why real, red-blooded men have been relegated to the dregs of society and replaced by weak-willed, feminine cucks.
Steven White, Musician
“It’s clear that if we want our struggling young boys to improve, we need more men in positions of power to look out for their interests.”
Ken Meadows, Physical Therapist
“It used to be that a man would just silently deal with his problems, but now society forces me to testify in my vehicular homicide trial.”
Drew Sharp, General Contractor
“Help! I can’t find my penis!”
Martin Eckhardt, Public Safety Officer
“Our parents failed us. My father never taught me how to open doors for ladies; I just learned how to open doors and had to piece the rest together myself.”
Heather Stein, UPS Driver
“I’m doing my part by undermining the confidence of my daughters.”
Manny Madison, Chef
“The masculinity crisis is far superior to the femininity crisis. It’s just science.”
Carter Talarski, Mechanic
“The complaints about masculinity being under attack are overblown. I feel just as comfortable being hateful and misogynistic as I did 10 years ago.”
Matt McGovern, Cashier
“I’m personally not in crisis. My penis is bigger than ever.”
Alicia Downing, Teacher
“I wouldn’t call the fact that my husband occasionally does the dishes now a ‘crisis’ per se.”
John Townsend, Carpenter
“They won’t stop until I take up baking or sewing or something useful and fun like that.”
Jim McGuire, Software Salesman
“Everybody just needs to buy more truck nutz.”
Sarah Goodwin, Event Planner
“We need a new war to toughen up this generation of men and turn them back into emotional black holes of alcoholism and child abuse.”
Meghan Chase, Cashier
“I don’t want some effeminate guy. I want to marry a real man who never talks to me and eventually leaves me for a 19-year-old.”
Lauren Vincenzo, Bartender
“It’s a travesty that men don’t have purpose now that women are allowed to work.”
Erin Franco, Nurse
“I bet it’d help if we women agreed to share some of our power.”
Manny Salgado, Electrician
“Don’t look at me. I’m an aggro lunatic.”
Carl Melcher, Taxidermist
“As a pathetic little cuck, I couldn’t be more excited.”
