Marathon Runner Collapses A Little Too Early To Be Compassionately Helped Across Finish Line

RALEIGH, NC—Calling the circumstances “a real shame,” sources confirmed Friday that local marathon runner Mark Weber collapsed a little too early to be compassionately helped across the finish line. “I’d be happy to help if, say, he’d collapsed 200 yards from the finish line, but come on, three miles in?” said fellow marathoner Zoe Young, who was just one of hundreds of passing runners who responded to the fallen athlete by casting him a long, sideways glance before continuing to jog along. “That’s not exactly inspirational, is it? Plus, it’s going to look really bad on me if I start helping then have to lay him back on the ground a mile later. And why did he shit his pants? There are Porta Potties everywhere.” At press time, spectators were wondering whether they were supposed to clap after Weber stumbled back to his feet then immediately sat back down.