SACRAMENTO, CA—Speaking reverently as he shared his newfound religious faith, Sacramento River Cats designated hitter Manny Ramirez reportedly taught his triple-A teammates Monday about God’s only son, who gave his life for mankind when he was nailed to two crossed bats by a mean Roman umpire.
“God just had one son named Jesus and he was really nice and smiled all the time and performed miracles without using any steroids,” said Ramirez, addressing players gathered in the River Cats’ locker room. “When Jesus got too popular with the fans the bad commissioner had him arrested. But Jesus never ever did anything wrong, man.”
“He was innocent but he didn’t run away from the policemen, even though he was really fast and could easily turn a single into extra bases,” Ramirez added. “He just let them nail his hands and feet to the crossed bats so he could die for our sins, like violating baseball’s drug policy.”
During batting practice, Ramirez assured the River Cats that God was happy with only one child, claiming that the divine being thought Jesus was the best son who ever lived.
“It wasn’t because God was too old or didn’t want any more kids, or had one of those special operations,” Ramirez said. “I asked a guy in a priest uniform.”
With the team still reeling from a 2-3 loss to the Fresno Grizzlies, Ramirez reportedly informed the River Cats that Jesus could calm a storm to prevent a rain delay or canceled game, heal a player on the DL with just spit and mud, and erase a 50-game suspension with the snap of his fingers.
“Jesus also talked real good and the words came out of his mouth perfectly, man,” Ramirez said. “Anybody who heard his pep talk on the mound wanted to try and do their best at the plate.”
“That’s why the media always followed him around and made paintings of Jesus, because back then they didn’t have good cameras,” Ramirez added.
According to Ramirez, police seized Jesus at his special training table immediately after the “Last Team Dinner,” when he was “probably still super full from having a lot to eat.” Ramirez explained that Jesus was cruelly forced to wear a cap of thorns that was uncomfortable and so poorly constructed the prickly brim caused the Son of God’s head to bleed and itch.
Ramirez told his teammates that Jesus, who forgives all people their fielding errors, had to walk through a sellout crowd and climb all the way to the top of the pitching mound while carrying the heavy wood baseball bats, a shovel, catcher’s equipment, extra balls, and a metal toolbox filled with hammers and nails.
“Even though Jesus was a great person and always gave everybody a bunch of fish and bread for free, people in the crowd were taunting and booing him, because now they were rooting for a different religion or something,” said Ramirez, adding that Jesus responded by saying confusing things about God that are hard to understand, but probably made sense to people from back in those days. “And Jesus didn’t stop the grounds crew from nailing him to the two crossed bats or ask them to use pine tar instead so he would just stick to the wood.”
“But the nails made holes right through his hands and his glove too,” Ramirez continued. “If I was Jesus, I wouldn’t have died on the crossed bats. I would have used my walking on water power to escape across a lake and then asked God to blow up the bad guys and all the dumb yelling people with lightning bolts.”
Ramirez, who said that it “sucked that Jesus died on the bats,” revealed to his teammates that Jesus was placed in a tomb, but came back to life three days later and was as good as ever. Ramirez confirmed that Jesus hung out with his friends for a while and then flew up to heaven, where he sat right next to God in His luxury box seats.
