Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

LONGMONT, CO—In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name. “If I catch you or anyone else talking rudely or disrespectfully about Mazda or the Mazda family of automobiles, then God help you, because I’ll break into your house at night and snap your fucking neck,” said Hunker, raising a clenched fist and adding that the Japanese company’s ability to deliver style, affordability, and fuel efficiency, as well as top-of-the-line features like dual-zone automatic climate control, put it in a class all by itself. “I am not afraid of prison. You say one word against the MX-5 Miata, and I’ll kill you in cold blood like the sick infidel you are. I was born a Mazda man, and I’ll die one. Watch your fucking back.” Sources later confirmed Hunker was on the trail of a local consumer who allegedly questioned whether the subcompact Mazda2 was a better value than the Honda Fit.