Man Who Went To Grocery Store Horny Leaves With Way Too Many Overripe Melons

GROVELAND, CA—Saying he knew he’d made a mistake the second he looked down at his shopping cart in the checkout line, local man Travis Fischer begrudgingly admitted to reporters Wednesday that he had purchased way too many overripe melons after going to the grocery store horny. “What was I thinking? Sure, I’m aroused right now, but I won’t be able to fuck half this much fruit before it goes bad,” said Fischer, speaking from the parking lot of an Albertsons supermarket where, 10 minutes earlier, he had been seen checking the ripeness of various melons by giving them a thump with a finger and then sniffing their rinds. “Clearly, I should have jerked off before leaving the house, because there I was in the produce section, hard as a rock and filling the cart with cantaloupe, honeydew, you name it. I usually don’t like it rough, but I even put a couple pineapples in there.” At press time, Fischer told reporters he was thankful that he was able to return to the store and get refunds on the melons despite the penis-shaped holes in many of them.