Man Not Going To Walk Faster Just Because Coworker Holding Open Critical Reactor’s Blast Door For Him

TONOPAH, AZ—Explaining that he wasn’t going to be pressured into rushing for the sake of a gesture, a local nuclear plant employee Kevin Rachlin confirmed Monday that he wasn’t going to walk faster just because his coworker was holding open the critical reactor’s blast door for him. “I’m not going to be forced into this charade of politeness just because someone’s holding a seven-ton steel door open for me,” said Rachlin, sauntering towards his last hope to escape annihilation as red lights flashed and sirens blared, denoting a catastrophic meltdown. “I mean, what difference is a few seconds going to make, really? And now he’s motioning me to come faster, who does this asshole think he is? Just for that, I’m going to stop to tie my shoe, we’ll see how he likes that.” At press time, Rachlin was complaining about how rude it was to let the blast door slam in his face right before being vaporized.