Man Has Such Good Friends They’ll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes

FAIRBORN, OH—Local resident and full-blown alcoholic Ken Mathiessen has such caring and loyal friends that they are willing to stand by in silence as the 32-year-old drinks himself to death right in front of them, sources confirmed Friday. “I’ve got the greatest buddies anyone could ask for,” said the pale and increasingly sallow Mathiessen, who can always count on his close-knit circle of friends to keep quiet, look the other way, or outright enable his most self-destructive of impulses. “If it weren’t for Patrick, or Gary, or even Michael, I don’t know where I’d be today. Probably not at Mad Hatters every night, that’s for sure.” According to reports, Mathiessen’s steadfast companions will continue to be there for him, whether at a nearby bar, around his hospital bed in June, or at his agonizing funeral service later this year.