Man Endures Crippling Agony Of Proper Posture

KANSAS CITY, MO—Clenching his teeth and breathing heavily as he begged for mercy, local man Ken Yang told reporters Thursday that he could barely endure the crippling agony of proper posture. “Oh my God, it hurts so much, there’s no way the human body is meant to hold this position for so long,” said Yang, who winced and held back tears as he held his shoulders back, sat up straight, and mustered all his physical and mental strength to keep his spinal column in line. “Seriously, how do people do this? Every muscle and bone in my back feels like it’s on fire right now. I actually think this might be considered torture. Ow, ow, I think my neck just gave out.” At press time, Yang could not be reached for comment, as he’d fainted and his spine had returned to its natural position of being hunched at a 45-degree angle.