Magical Voting Booth Transforms Clearheaded Americans Into Reactionist Morons

DENVER—A voting booth stationed at the fifth district municipal center in Denver possesses the otherworldly power to transform rational Americans into impulsive and narrow-minded morons, sources reported Tuesday. According to election officials, just by stepping inside the magical booth and drawing its curtain shut, well-informed Americans are suddenly altered, their ability to reason without bias or prejudice vanishing into thin air. “It was like I became this completely different person—someone afraid of Mexicans stealing his job, of admitting defeat in Iraq, of finally going against the status quo,” said Michael Walker, one of the thousands of voters momentarily transformed by the mystical enclosure. “The man who pulled the lever inside that booth…that wasn’t me. Dear God, what have I done?” The magical voting booth was reportedly only one of many unexplained Election Day phenomena, which included the sudden disappearance of 6,000 ballots from the state of Florida.