Loud Squawking Crow Forces FAA To Ground All Flights Indefinitely

WASHINGTON—Thousands were left stranded at airports nationwide Tuesday, when the Federal Aviation Administration grounded all commercial flights due to the harsh, discordant squawks emitted by a nearby crow. “We apologize to all passengers affected by the cancellations, but he sounds really close,” acting FAA administrator Robert Sturgell said at a press conference, adding that the nation’s airport security officials have determined that the crow is in either a tree somewhere close by or possibly on a roof. “Flights across the Eastern Seaboard will resume just as soon as we can shoo it away.” In the wake of these recent air traffic delays, President Obama has earmarked $3 billion from the bailout budget to finance the construction of a national scarecrow.