Logistics Of Eating Oversized Candy Cane Completely Overwhelming

EAGAN, MN—Intimidated yet intrigued as he contemplated the two-pound, 3,500-calorie peppermint treat, local man Mark Carroll confirmed Thursday he was completely overwhelmed by the logistics of eating an oversized candy cane he had received in a holiday gift basket. “Look at this thing—I mean, where do you even start?” said Carroll, his palms reportedly sticky and covered in plastic just from unwrapping the enormous hooked confection, which he reasoned was too messy to set down now but also far too large to finish in one sitting. “I can’t use a napkin because it’ll just stick to that. Do I get a plate? I could cut it into pieces and eat a little bit at a time, but a kitchen knife would be useless on this thing. Are you supposed to break it apart with a hammer? Oh God, now it’s in my hair.” At press time, sources reported Carroll was standing above a trash can and violently shaking both hands after the candy cane had fused tightly to his skin.